My stale blog bums me out and I've been trying to decide what to do with it. I couldn't sleep last night and I spent a lot of time thinking about why my blog has changed, coma'd and what's holding me back. I got up and decided to share, filling in a lot of the blanks that I left out in the early years. I jumped ship and have doggie paddled for the last few years.
My blog changed when my marriage ended in 2007. This is the story about my journey during marriage, divorce and how it made me want to run away. If you don't like reading long posts, just skip to the end.
About my Marriage:
"T" and I met when I was volunteering at camp, we were around 20. I was wearing a rainbow striped shirt and he was wearing a yellow t-shirt with a happy face on it. We were two bright spirits and we were magnetic for two summer weeks at camp. Everything seemed like a perfect match to the perfect partner I'd listed at the back of my journal (and I was his ideal find), and we believed that our lists were so complicated to even be possible, that God had to have made us for each other and that was how we wanted to move forward. We lived a few hours apart, were anxious to spend all our time together one day, had become best friends who deeply cared for each other (love for sure, but not what I now know as relationship & passionate love) and we were waiting till marriage to have sex. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we didn't fall crazy in love, know each other as deeply as possible, and consider or know how much growing we'd each experience in our 20's. And, we wanted to have sex, bad. T was and is a good man, and I thought everything else would fall into place. So, we started planning our wedding a year after we met and got married 1 year later.
We got married in 2003 and moved in together the next day and had a honeymoon at our new home. His parents knocked on the door & dropped off the rental tuxedos while we were in the shower together. Awkward. But our honeymoon wasn't all that we'd hyped it up to be (sex in the hizzy) because I'd developed uncontrollable depression from the depo-prepovara birth control I went on right before our wedding, which also took away my sex drive, ironically. A month and a half after our wedding, we moved to the camp I'd grown up at and where we'd met, and I really wasn't myself. I was edgy, sad, insensitive to friends, confused and feeling really overwhelmed by my responsibilities (as a leader and hopes as a new wife).
By the time summer ended, I'd figured out what was causing my depression & weird shit. I quit the medicine and got back to normal LA. I'd adopted Lola on a whim, camp was over and we moved to our new home that we'd renovated with my family while dating. I got to know T around the clock and I realized that he was extremely happy in public, but often had low lows at home. It was a shock, and I felt like our honeymoon period was a real disappointment because of me. He wanted to give me everything and exhausted himself doing so, most likely losing himself along the way. I think our marriage and uncomfortable fit probably made things worse, and I realized he had a deep depression and signs of what I thought was bi-polar disorder. We relied on our own understanding to find solutions, didn't tell family because T asked me not to and eventually, he lost his job and was unemployed for a long year. There will still good times in our marriage, but the stress and extremes were high & scary, I was exhausted and felt like his nurse and we got quite passive-aggressive with each other towards the end.
How I Changed:
I started my blog in 2006 as I discovered my creative side, stripped away outward insecurities and wanted friends who were more like me. I was an introverted girl who was often considered 'weird' by others because I had a big imagination, got a charge on pretty little details and I had a uncommon perspective about what's special and worthwhile. When I blogged and shared, I found others who were the same, who I could look up to, and some who looked up to me. And best of all, I was really coming into my own, and discovered that I was creative. I felt good at something!!
My blog was a retreat away from the crazy stuff going on at home, where I could look at the positives, connect, entertain, and develop what was beginning to really make me happy... Freckled Nest. It was like a sister, coach and cheerleader. Along with Freckled Nest my blog, I was crafting up a storm, and had so many mini albums that I started a Freckled Nest shop so that I could sell my inventory and buy more supplies. I loved making handmade and playing store!!
Blogs & blogging and my contentment during creativity became an escape and I was loving the feeling of accomplishment with my shop and all it's potential! But I was working full time as a secretary (and a nanny the years before that), taking care of our house and my husband, and using every single minute I could to build my dream, hoping the business could someday be my lively hood. I took myself to an extreme and couldn't resist the escape after 4 years of silent problems that felt like they would be my life.
About my Divorce & Surviving:
Things were not getting better for T and our relationship was not doing good, so we tried taking time apart a few times, hoping it would solve things, but it didn't. He then asked me to give up Freckled Nest since it was taking all my attention, and I said I would. But I came back and pleaded with him to not ask for that. Without it, everything just looked so glum, he was worse then ever and it was the only happy thing in my world! He believed in me, but just saw me burning the candle at both ends and its negative effects on us. So we talked and settled on me quiting my job and giving it a go, so that it could replace my full time jobs' timeslot and time would open up for us.
We started talking about having children (which I soon realized was a band-aid), he was going to trades school, we started seeing a counsellor, T leased a car for us and for the most part, it felt like we were planting better roots. I wanted stability so bad. Then things shifted again, and after a confusing two weeks of almost silent co-existence, he came home at 9pm and told me he was leaving. We talked till 6am, cried our faces off, I pleaded with him not to leave (I was so so stuck to keeping our vows), and he said that his decision was final and he wanted to divorce. I drove him to work and moved in with my grandma for a few weeks while he found a new place.
I had no idea how to process anything that was going on. After two weeks of being numb and hoping he'd change his mind, it all set in. I felt discarded, abandoned, guilty, hurt, alone, ashamed that our marriage had failed, super confused, suicidal, insecure and really inward. I was so in shock that I lost 30 pounds over a few months and I can't remember some parts of those months after he left.
Through the 5 years of our hard marriage, there was also good times, young love, companionship with a man I cared for and dreams built together. When he told me he was leaving, I didn't feel relief at first... it was like all of a sudden everything was g-o-n-e and I had to catch up with how the future had just became blank and what I was going to do with it. It felt like a death. Plus, how was I going to survive on my own financially, with a mortgage, car, debt and 2 dogs.
I became really defensive with God, and frustrated that I had been living for Him (somewhat legalistically at the time, but with dedication, faith and genuine intentions), following His will, and then my future was zapped away and I had no choice. I felt like my life when I became a Christian in 1997 until 2007 was all for Him and I hadn't lived a life I enjoyed. Like I'd missed out on the experiences I could have lived, and I felt stupid.
On Christmas Eve, I went to church alone and couldn't handle being there. I walked out mid-service and I walked away from God. As a result, I got selfish and wanted to do life my way now that I had a clean slate, and I didn't want to trust His plan or way anymore. I still believed in God and had similar morals, but I didn't want to surrender to God anymore. I rebelled in every-way I wanted to, gave myself permission to follow my instincts, enjoyed my open schedule (hello Sunday!), ignored my pain and craved love.
My Final Decision:
The day before the Christmas Eve service, T phoned me at work and said he was coming home that night, he'd changed his mind. It had only been 2 months, but I felt so betrayed that I said Don't you dare. It wasn't my final decision about where we stood, but I couldn't let him come until I knew if I wanted that and, definitely not on Christmas Eve.
I debated it so much, tried to give myself time, was distracted with my new freedom life, and struggled a lot with what to do. Should I keep my vows, try to forgive him and live that life that really didn't feel like a fit for either of us. Or, choose me and create a new life. I decided that I wanted more for my life, we were both different people than we realized, and that even though he left, I was keeping it that way and wanted the same thing. We divided our assets, divorced and I'm glad we did.
In hindsight, if we had a) dated longer without marriage assumed, b) met when we were in our late 20's and knew ourselves better and/or c) lived together before we got married, we would have decided to just be good friends and not gotten married. From my experience, if getting to have sex is the driving force of your decision or it's adding speed to your dating or marriage timeline: smarten up or just have sex.
About my Blog:
When my marriage ended, I felt like there was no way to explain what had happened because I'd kept a lot under the rug, and then I felt like a fake. I wasn't, but I'd sure held back a lot and then was changing a lot and didn't know how to fill in the blanks. It got hard to blog, and things just didn't feel the same as they once did. Change is hard, eh?
I really just want to be myself here. I wanna share anything from my life that I want to. If you want to read it & converse, you're invited to... but if this is just for me, I'm good with that too. I'm going to change my blog name/address so that it's not confused with the company anymore, and that will probably help me share personally with less mental anguish ;) I'll probably use my name and will update you when the new address is ready.
Let's Clear the Air:
I want to get these truths off my chest, the things I've hidden from my blog. Plus a few silly ones to lighten the load ;)
I type how I talk, and I don't have a huge vocabulary. I get so excited about creative & design things that if feels like rainbows are bursting inside of me and I can't keep it to myself. I work in my pajama's until 3pm a lot of days. I became a Christian again and God is more real, I'm more balanced and I realize I have a lot to learn, and I have free will. Rules & checklists is not what it's about. I quote TV all the time. I have too many office supplies, and Poppin is really tempting me. I write everything down. It took me 5 years to be ready for marriage again, and it feels completely new now. I would love to show you more behind the scenes of my work, but I'm afraid I'm not a good designer or that my ideas are too easy and will be copied. I miss Penny. If I lost weight, I'd take more pictures. Keith and I used to have a bad relationship (fun & crazy in love though), but now it's amazing & healthy and even more lovey, happy and fun! I love making mini albums, and I want to show them more. Childhood bullying really affected my future self. I want to get a breast reduction. Kyla says I'm earnest; I share genuine feelings. I usually don't like writing a lot on my blog, pictures are more natural. When my marriage ended, I started dating soon after because I was seeking male approval. I can't get enough of yellow and orange together. My mind is always going. I love being a designer. I melt from hugs, hate being touched randomly. I make up words & combos and get too giddy about them. I am bossy if I'm not careful. Sometimes I snort when I laugh. I'm a night owl. I'm a problem solver and only want to share the outcome once the problem is gone or fixed. I do a certain little dance and hand motions when I get super excited. I'm attracted to guys and girls. I get overwhelmed by my schedule. I say the wrong thing out of niavity a lot, and then overthink how I said the wrong thing. My biggest fear is disappointing people. My wardrobe has little personal style but I love my design style. My heart feels like it's going to burst sometimes. I want my personal blog to be a truthful, fun and creative web-log & space, not a magazine. I love a good TMI with friends. I'm tired of protecting my past, I'm over it and want to move forward. I have depression and anxiety and sometimes it really f's up my day or week. I love being cheery and optimistic, and its sincere when it happens. I peed my pants in grade 7. When I see my ex, its like the past never happened (we hardly know each other and we just chat a little). When my stats on my blog started being in the high thousands, I felt like there was a lot of expectation and it was hard to post 'whatever'. I love Tuesdays. I'm awkward in public. Faith is complicated, especially because I'm innately logical. I'm a classic oversharer when I get started. I get jealous sometimes, and I hate that. I buy too many Apple products. I used to smoke weed and I miss it. I don't like coming up with blog post titles. I hate 'Keep Calm and Carry On' stuff. I don't like using my current last name. I love Jimmy Fallon and Jay Z. I care about my business like its my child. I am really proud of what I founded and what Kyla and I have built. I have crazy awesome dreams every night that are more entertaining than movies. I'm a homebody and struggle not to be a hermit. My Mom and I love gossiping. I glow when people think I'm a funny girl, but I pretend it doesn't make a difference. Now, I work with whatever comes my way in life and don't plan more than a year in advance.
I want to love my blog again.