I've been having a really hard time sharing lately. Every night I say I'll blog tomorrow and when the day comes, I feel frozen. I talked with Kyla for a long time today about how I've been feeling in general and it was a very good conversation. When I pour out my heart, she helps me explore the aspects of my feelings, the why's, the victories, my power, the concerns, the pain and ultimately, the options.
Right now I'm dealing with 'hiding mode'. My depression has made me very tired and it's hard to not wanna nap a lot. The other aspect of my hiding mode is that I don't want to show how weak I feel or that things are hard right now. I'm discovering that I have a bad personal definition of strength and tend to share difficult things only once I've got through them and overcame them like a warrior. I don't see strength in others that way but I hold myself to that secrecy until I can have a good 'moral of the story'. I'm currently in a longer struggle than usual and I'm seeing that hiding mode is more like isolation mode. I hide so much that it makes me live two versions of my life and it's really not helping things.
I think this is one of the reasons I've been having a hard time blogging. I want to be the exciting, strong, inspiring Leigh-Ann (in life overall) and that isn't very natural right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still laughing lots, having good days and following my heart like I always do, but at night when I'm alone... I have a really hard time and it taints things. This is a stage though and if I work through it, I think it will get easier. I'm gonna try to open up and expressing this here is my first step (and it is hard!).
I really miss loving my blog. It's frustrating to check my own blog and be annoyed that she didn't blog again (um, I check my own blog like a stranger sometimes). And, I miss connecting with you and being real.
Instead of wanting to be really happy and fine as my ideal day, I'm going to work on pretty alright as a healthy goal and balance. I need to renegotiate my definition of strength and stop trying to be bulletproof.
Thanks for listening and sticking around... hopefully sharing this will make it easier to post and have pretty alright days with you :)
ps. On a lighter note, I'm going to a bachelor party with Kyla and Amber tonight-- will Ben choose Courtney or Lindzi?? and why is her name spelt that way? so much talking at the tv will happen! I do that a lot and got Ky & Amber in the habit ;) Let's girltalk about it here tomorrow!!